Full disclosure...

To say that there is a lot going on right now is putting it mildly...my life is spiraling out of control.

We have been dealing with K's eating disorder since the summer.  I noticed the first changes in her in June.  The whole summer was just watching and trying to figure out how you can make someone eat when they don't want to.  Also trying to figure out why this is happening at all.  I still have no answers to any of my questions.  We are still trying to figure all of this out and I don't feel like we are getting any closer to any answers.

In September, I was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of MS.  In all honesty, I have had a year to prepare for the actual diagnosis, but it still shocked the heck out of me.  I don't like the unknown of all of it.  And stress is really not good for me...now go back the the above paragraph.  It's a vicious cycle! 

Where do I go from here? 

There is too much.  I feel helpless...hopeless...

It gets easier??

Whoever said that parenting gets easier as the kids get older is wrong.  I feel like I am at the end of my rope right now.  This last child is testing every parenting thought that I have ever had.  I feel like I am a rookie parent!  All of my experience has not prepared me for the life challenges right now.  My life is chaos.

My  youngest has an eating disorder.  Why was this never talked about in parenting classes?  I don't have any experience with this.  And it is not a subject that is talked about.  There are no support groups that I can find.  I am at a loss.  I don't know how to do this!  And I really don't know how to do this alone.

She has lost 21 pounds since the beginning of the summer. Her body is beginning to turn on her.  Her cheerleading is suffering.  School is suffering.  I have a feeling that some friendships are suffering.  I don't know what to do.  She is seeing a counselor who specializes in eating disorders, she is seeing a nutritionist.  And we are working with our family physician.  I just feel so helpless.

What brought this on?  What is behind this?  What happened?  She is depressed, that much I know from our family physician.  They have put her on anti-depressants.  She won't talk to me.  She will say very  little.  She doesn't want me to share this stuff with her older brother and sister.  Who am I supposed to talk to?  Who can I confide in?  Who can I go to for advice?

This is kind of a taboo subject.  Most people don't want to hear about it.  I feel alone.

Navigating new waters

This whole idea of kids growing up is hard.  I'm navigating waters that I never thought I would have to navigate alone.  With the two older kids out of the house, I am kind of a parent to only one again.  Very odd.  And, she is growing up way too fast!  I was sitting and contemplating the other day, and realized that in just 5 years she will be on to college leaving me here by myself.  Five years may seem like a long time, but trust me it will go by in the blink of an eye.  This school year has flown by before I even caught my breath.  And I see summer whizzing by as well.  I still have so much on my to do list, and not so many days to accomplish them!!  I need time to stand still, for just a few moments so that I can savor this life, as it is, now. 

Getting organized...

I keep talking about living my resolutions...one of them was to get organized.  So I am making a real effort at this.  I'm trying to get my life organized.  One of problems/benefits of being single is not having anyone to answer to.  But, I have discovered that I do well with accountability.  I like when I have someone asking me about my goals, and what I got accomplished.  It's hard for me to self-motivate...and it's even harder now that it's just me and Mikayla at home.  I mean, she doesn't care one bit if I let the laundry go for weeks, as long as she has her favorite outfit to wear.  She doesn't care if I pay the bills, or make all our doctor/dentist visits, she just wants food in the fridge and a ride wherever she wants to go.  So, now I'm really trying to motivate myself.  I started with making all of the phone calls that I had been putting off.  I've done laundry twice this week (still needs to be put away).  And done several loads of dishes.  AND, I am putting the final touches on Mikayla's summer plans.   Cheerleading practices scheduled, math tutor hired, tumbling practices set up...I feel so accomplished!  I even made my hair appointment...something I have put off for a month!!  Now, the question is, how long can I last at this?  I wonder if anyone else has the same self motivation issues?????  I really need to get better at this!

Worry...

Wow.  I have had a day.  I started out the morning taking my car to get the tail light fixed.  My mom met me there and started this conversation...

Her: Where is Jordan's school in Italy?
Me: Paderno.
Her: I mean it isn't in Northern Italy is it?
Me: Yes, why?
Her:  An earthquake hit in Northern Italy this morning. 

I have never felt so much turmoil.  I have never felt so out of control...this was so much worse than her travel issues just getting to Italy!!

Jordan had texted me to let me know that she was traveling this weekend.  Problem was, I know nothing about Italy.  I know where nothing is!  It was such a good feeling to get the text that she was okay, she was hours away from the damage.  I was so thankful that she was okay, but sent up prayers for the families that lost loved ones and for all of the devastation around. 

This is just one more reason that the last thing I tell my kids (all the time) is that I love them.  I always want them to know that I love them.  I want to have the peace of mind that the last thing they heard from me is "I love you". 

Blessings....

The last post ended up sounding really sad.  It wasn't really meant to sound that way, so I've decided to count my blessings.  Even though my kids don't really have their dad in their life, I think that there are definitely some advantages.  While I was married, I used to worry about what my son was learning from his dad.  And now I can honestly say that my son is one of the most amazing guys in the world.  He is wonderful and caring, very devoted to his family.  If you believe in all of the studies that they talk about regarding children of single parents, he should be on drugs or in prison.  And instead, I have an a really great son who will bring me coffee at work for no reason at all.  My daughters are amazing in their own right.  Jordan is off at school, studying in Italy this summer, she is so amazing and caring.  My youngest is wonderful too, in her own right.  She is so smart.  And really takes care of me.  Everyone who knows my kids loves them.  They are amazing and I am so proud to be their mom. 

I wonder if they would be the people that they are if I didn't raise them as a single mom.  I mean, it was no picnic, it was really difficult work.  But at least I got to make the decisions on my own.  I didn't have to worry about anyone else undermining me.  I could use all the off the wall child rearing techniques that I wanted to and no one could critique me.  I got mother's day and father's day.  I got every ounce of love from these three amazing kids.  I got to bask in their accomplishments.  We were a team.  We learned how to save money for trips together.  We learned to find fun in our own backyard.  We found ways to enjoy the simplicity.  I look back on the rough times and I find joy.  I honestly don't remember a lot of negativity.  It was definitely difficult, but we were in it together.  And it was all worth it to see them smile. 

So, yes, I am the odd man out.  But I am one of the most blessed people in the world.  I can't ask for anything more.

Odd Man Out,,,

Tonight was my youngest daughters final band concert of the year.  Her school has an amazing music program so the concerts are always great.  Most of the time my mom comes and my son usually is always there to support his little sis.  But sometimes I get to go by myself.  I get to sit there and cheer for her on my own.  I watch as the other families chat together, basking in their joint amazingness at child rearing.  It's hard to concentrate on how amazing my own child is when I'm watching everyone else.  I wonder if anyone else feels this way...